I Love You But...

Dear R,
I love you but there are some things I just can't tell you sometimes. It's because I love you and it's because you're my best friend and the person who I trust most in the world that times like these are difficult.
Normally if something pisses me off I tell you. But what about when you ARE the problem?I just wanted to tell you you're perfect, and I love you but love isn't finding the perfect person it's about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. And so you mess up alot too. And I know I'm far from "not messing up". How many hundreds of nights have I been the one who was stubborn and cruel and weak or too strong, or accusing or (and I know this is the worst) completely not emotive at all?
You know I've got that part of my brain that drags me down. I warned you about that in the old days. I do alot of things wrong but I ADMIT to it, I say SORRY and then I make sure I do a hellava lot of things right to make it worth it.
Sometimes you know we have those fights where none of us backs down? It's not just ME being stubborn and stupid and it's not just ME who has to say sorry and let my pride down.
I love you but you know you had to say one little word today to make me happy and you didn't say it. Not because it meant a hellava lot to you because it didn't, because you knew it meant a hellava lot to me. And why did I deserve that one little word? I hadn't done anything to deserve it. That's what I always think before I say sorry to you, and try to mean it as much as I can.
I love you, I will love you until I die and I know that. I love you but sometimes I get the scariest back-breaking feeling you don't love me.
Maybe you don't know how. Maybe you can't even do it. Maybe we are two different people so it means two different things. But to me it's always been about stripping myself down to the most vulnerable state I can be if it means you can let your guard down. And I don't think that's enough for you anymore.
I am still scared all the time that the day will come when your suddenly going to leave me because you just can't be bothered to make me happy again. When it's worth more to just walk away than to endure it.
I love you but this is just one of those things, I can't tell you.

--by Haines, england, 12/22/2009