i guess i am a fool

to stay knowing you are lying to me, buit how can i leave when my heart loves you so much...and when most of the time i belive you truly love me too. but if you did, love me...would you hurt me as you are? would you lie to me as you do, and hide things and feelings from me...would you continue to carry on with michelle knowing it was braking my heart, and hurting me?

you want me to trust you, and understand about her calling you "my da" and well to start you are "her" nothing more than a friend, so i have been told...so she should have some respect for me, and out relationship and not call you "her" anything. and so what she never called you by your name, only by Daddy..so da is an inbetween...times change, things change and she should call you something fitting of what you are to her now, a friend, her ex.

and i saw her double checking it was you, not me who started that chat...like i would pretend to be you just to fool her and such...that's a pretty screwed up perception of me. and honestly babe...can you honestly sit there, think about it and say, there is nothing more than friendship going on between you two? if i could read your chats or hear the conversations, would any of what is said hurt my feelings, or anyones feelis for that matter if they were the one who is supposed to be yours, your little baby girl, your sweatheart and future wife? how are you able to everyday fool me into thinking nothing is going on that would hurt me?

and here's something else i don't understand....
you say mountainboi is not you, but when i saw it in the history last night, it was there along with the intimatefemme persons, and a login page, but your obb account was notin the history, meaning you logged into lj yesterday under either mountainboi or intimatefemme.
then on the lj site, in the loggin i typed i mountaiboi, and it came up on the memory thing, meaning yet again mountainboi has loggedin on this computer recently, because you've cleaned it up and i have had to re-enter my info on other sites, i'd not been since you cleanedup the system.

then since all the posts are hidden i looked at the archive, and there is it, one post the day before we left , none while we were gone and then one the day we arrived back home....

you saw me looking for the LKN website and then went i went back to the computer later last night...you had delated the history yet agaon, i am guessing in hopes of me not have seeing before the lj stuff.....so mountainboi, why don't you just tell me the truth here, tell me who intimatefemme is, tell me what is going on in private lj posts between the 2 of you, so that you can stop hiding and lying to me about it.....

all i have ever asked for was the truth, and still this is all i want....but i fear you will alsways be able to use that smile, those eyes, and tender hugs to get me to belive your lies. and there i will be, a big fool with a broken heart....

something that really gets me is how things between us have been really great...you touching, kissing and reaching out for me more...you have been so kind and tender....and i have felt more and more like you loved me...like you truly do want me in your life and for a long time...so i am confused....and wondering is all that true, but you also want soemone else, or something with smeone else, and if that is the case....we are poly, and i will understand, it is just the lying and not telling me that make me hurt and jelous. and honestly, i could have someone on the side too, someone who will treat me like a treasure...someone who will wanmt to take the time to send me an email rather than chat with another girl...someone who find me irrisistable and want to ravish me body......perhaps we are just a confort to eachother, perhaps all you want with me is family, stabiblity and someone who you can take home.....but on the romance side, the sex side i am not it for you....we just need t figure it ut and i need you to be honest with me about what is going on that i don't know. do i just forgot all about this...and we'll keep going, you keep doing whatever you are doing, and maybe one day you'll stop and see how creul you are being, or maybe you'll leave me..... i guess i'll just have to push it aside, and know that if i want the truth, this is not a relationship where i will get it, but if i want to be with the one i love, i'll have to just let you fuck me over like this, and enjoy our happy times....love sucks and i am so hurt. i wish you would just be honest with me and not think i am the foll you have pulled one over on, becasue.....i know, and i am not as stupid as you are michelle thinks.
yours truly, a hurting little girl

--by desiregirl, portland, oregon, 03/23/2006